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TV comedians recapped Pete Hegseth's unprecedented mandatory meeting for US generals in Virginia, where he attacked "out-of-shape military members."

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert started Tuesday's Late Show with a countdown to a government shutdown, which would cut numerous critical functions and leave many out of work. But not everyone – Colbert noted that people considered essential workers, such as air traffic controllers or TSA agents, must continue working, even if it means working without pay. "Which is perfect for anyone who’s ever said ‘I just wish this TSA worker searching me was also upset,’" Colbert quipped.

He then turned to "the darker" story of the evening: Pete Hegseth calling together top generals at Quantico for an unusual speech in which Colbert described the defense secretary as a "five-star douche."

Hegseth declared "freedom day" for America’s "warriors" who "engage in combat for a living."

"It's time for Democrats to tone down their aggressive language," Colbert joked.

Hegseth also said there would be "an end to climate focus. No more division, distraction, or gender delusions. No more debris. As I’ve said before and will say again, we are done with that nonsense."

"Gosh, did you hear that, five-star generals? Pete did a swear," Colbert mocked. "He's so impressive! You know, I hear he has like 10 Playboys under his mattress."

Hegseth encouraged the generals to "tell it like it is in plain English, to highlight the clear issues right in front of us."

Colbert then pointed out the obvious: "OK, you suck monkey butt."

The Nightly Host

Jimmy Kimmel also mentioned the government shutdown on Tuesday night. "Democrats want Republicans to agree to continue funding Affordable Care Act, whereas Republicans want to use that money to include seafood to the omelet station at Mar-a-Lago," he explained. "Trump warns of permanent reductions if there’s a shutdown."

"I was recently the victim of a government shutdown – they are reversible, I will tell you that," he noted.

Kimmel then made fun of Hegseth's mandatory meeting with generals in Virginia. "All the top military leaders were pulled off the frontlines in Portland and Washington, DC and summoned to Quantico for a pep talk with Pete," he said before a clip of Hegseth bragging: "if our enemies choose foolishly to challenge us, they will be crushed by the force and accuracy of the war department. In other words, to our enemies: face the consequences."

"He's remarkable," Kimmel deadpanned. "That was some speech. Usually when a large crowd gather in one room for Pete Hegseth, it’s an attempt to help him."

"But this was a no mercy type of affair," as Hegseth said he’d eliminate DEI initiatives in the military, as well as "dudes in dresses" and "overweight soldiers."

"Overweight military leaders are inappropriate in the halls of the Pentagon and overseeing operations around the country and the world," Hegseth said. "It appears unprofessional."

Kimmel responded with a clip of Trump moving awkwardly. "It's ironic Trump advises on health," he laughed. "I mean, if that isn’t the fondue pot calling the kettle fat, I don’t know what is."

The Daily Show

On the comedy program, Ronny Chieng also mocked Hegseth's foreboding assembly with US generals. "We all act strangely sometimes," he remarked. "Some contact old flames, and some of us call every US general to a meeting at Quantico."

Chieng then played clips from Hegseth's rant against "fat troops," which he called a "bad look."

"That’s what you called all these generals in for? To tell them they’re fat?" he wondered. "Why not comment online? Like ‘hey, congrats general, when are you due?’"

"This guy will text secret war plans, but when it comes to body shaming, he’s like ‘I want to see their fat faces when I tell them how fat their faces.’"

"Look, I get the military needs to be fit," Chieng continued. "But in defense of fat generals, they’re kind of like coaches, right? Coaches don’t need to be in playing shape, they just have to fit enough to date a 24-year-old," he said next to a photo of a famous coach and his partner.

Hegseth also said he’d prohibit beards or long hair. "According to Pete Hegseth, America’s military standards are now going to be indistinguishable from a dating app – no overweight, no beards and get those ladies the heck out of my sight," Chieng quipped.

Late Night Host

And on Late Night, the comedian recapped Trump’s meeting with the Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, at the White House on Monday, where he told reporters that he’s quite sure he could quickly achieve a peace deal in Gaza. "You promised this long ago, ‘quickly’ is no longer in the cards," Meyers said. "That's like endless delays.’"

"This from the guy who couldn’t even end the war in Portland," he joked, referring to Trump sending military personnel to Portland for no reason.

Trump also told a news outlet that he would suspect that the federal agency is looking into the former FBI director, Christopher Wray, "then he winked so hard at Pam Bondi that his hair popped up like a garbage can lid," Meyers quipped.