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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.